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I received an email from Buy.com advertising a personal breathalyzer device for $40. I’ve often wondered what BAC my breath would register after drinking various quantities of alcohol, so I seriously considered buying the device. Little did I know, in just a few hours, I would discover a way to get a breathalyzer reading absolutely FREE!

Our friends’ band, The Hook, was playing a free concert at Depot Park in Clarkston. Melissa and I got out there exactly at the scheduled showtime of 6pm. They rocked our faces and then we walked over to an after-party at Greg Martin’s apartment on Main Street. Between the hours of 7:30pm and 12:00am, I opened four bottles of domestic light beer and drank most of them. I also ate two slices of pizza and immeasurable quantities of chips, salsa, and other dips. We left Greg’s at midnight.

Melissa and I walked about a block back to the Depot Park parking lot. I pulled out heading east toward Main and made a right. Oops! I meant to go north toward I-75. One car passed and I made a slow U-turn. As I completed the maneuver, I spied a Clarkston police car on the right, almost directly across from Depot Road. Sure enough, the officer pulled in behind me and fired up his lights.

Officer: I stopped you because you came up the wrong way on a one way street back there and then made an illegal U-turn, so… Merry Christmas!
Me: Oh, man! Okay. I’ve never been to that park before. I’m sorry.
Officer: How much have you had to drink tonight, ’cause it smells like a lot!
Me: Not THAT much. I started drinking at 7:30, and I had, like, three… plus… beers?
Officer: Okay, well, why don’t we start with your license and registration? [after I comply] Alright, Rodney, why don’t you come on out and follow me back here. [after I unbuckle my seat belt and open my door] Have you ever had a PBT before?
Me: Mmmmm… nope.
Officer: [says something about the breathalyzer, then asked me where Eastpointe is, what I'm doing out there -- assessing my faculties, I presume] Okay, go ahead and blow in here.
Me: ..oO( Should I blow hard from the gut, or shallow from my mouth? )

I didn’t feel buzzed, but I couldn’t help but be nervous. The device emits a low-volume whistling noise. I couldn’t see the digital readout

Officer: Why don’t you go ahead and try that again.

The device whistles again. Following the exhalation, this time I see the readout:  .0012.  *Whew!*

Officer Awesome then sent me on my way without a single citation, asking that I pay better attention to the signage.

Pressing my luck, I asked about why my u-turn was illegal. “They’re not always illegal, just here in the Village on Main Street,” he said, pointing across my vehicle. I looked in the direction he was pointing and, sure enough, there was a very helpful “No U-turns” sign just 20 feet ahead. Can you believe I still didn’t get a citation, not even for stupidity??

If you want to immerse yourself deeply into the depravity of mankind, shop for a used car on Craig’s List. Maybe the phenomenon is limited to Metro Detroit, I couldn’t say. Regardless, it seems the process of valuing and putting up for sale a used car transforms once probably decent, honest, family-oriented people into greedy, lying, unscrupulous versions of their former selves.

I followed up with more than 50 of these “private marketers” and, after three weeks, decided to retrospectively document some of my favorite ads to highlight their variation from reality. (Luckily, and perhaps not coincidentally, none of them has sold yet, allowing me to copy-and-paste the actual content!)

2001 Subaru Legacy 4 door Sedan AWD ……………… Mint! – $4950

Mint condition, 4 door, auto, 2.5L/4, all wheel drive, air, tilt, cruise, pw/pl, CD, alloy wheels, good miles, 28mpg/hwy, super clean, reliable, no issues, runs/drives great.

This car belongs to my co-worker who has since left the country. I do not know its history; please run a CARFAX report and let me know what it says. Also, please don’t dig around CL too much, or you’ll see this exact ad paired with photos taken from different angles in the same driveway and a different phone number — and possibly all the other cars I’m selling as “private owner.” Lastly, the night before you are scheduled to drive an hour to see this car, I will take it to a shop to have that front-end noise investigated and it will not be ready at our agreed-upon time (9am). Darn bearings!

2004 Ford Taurus SES *GREAT DEAL* – $4600

94K, 2.4 valve, clean title, runs and drives great, clean inside and out. Asking $4600 obo.

Drive 30 minutes to a parking lot of my choosing, and I will see you there 45 minutes later. I am approximately 22 years old and I speak perfect English, which is good because my friend, who is approximately 19 years old and actually holds the title on this car, speaks only Chaldean Neo-Aramaic. You’ll need me to translate. The front and rear bumper covers match perfectly to each other, but not to the car. Only the rear bumper was worked on, though. The front has simply faded disproportionately relative to the rest of the car and now appears to have been replaced and painted by exactly the same amateur who worked on the rear bumper. It’s like an optical illusion. If you inspect the trunk, you will find water in the spare tire compartment. Obviously, this is NOT the result of a leaky, misaligned trunk lid. More likely, this car was sweating from being left in my warm garage for two days.

2001 Volvo S40 82k miles – $4499

2001 Volvo S 40 1.9T 4 cyl automatic dark blue, new tires, I just did the timing belt with water pump and engine tuneup, cd, ac, heated seats, abs, winter package, no rust or any oil leaks, all good.

I really love this car. So much, in fact, that it’s hardly left my driveway since its last reported odometer reading four months ago (81,558 miles). I can’t imagine why those liars at CARFAX would claim it was totaled in an accident five months ago. Remind me not to post the VIN when I re-list this thing next week.

2002 Honda Civic EX – $5000

Good condition, loaded with all power options including a moonroof, immaculate interior, 131,000 miles, automatic, cd player, looks and drives great, recent repairs include new tires, brakes, struts, battery. The timing belt and water pump were replaced last year(receipts available). Truly an outstanding vehicle that would be ideal for a student or for someone who commutes long distances. Selling price is firm.

Stop by anytime and you can take this car and my father-in-law to any shop of your choosing right down the road from my house. My price is pretty firm, though. Oops, did I say “anytime?” My bad. Please hang on while I re-list this car for $100 less and 1,000 FEWER miles. NOW when can you swing by?

2000 CHEVROLET CAVALIER Z34-COUPE-SUNRROOF-28+MPG – $2950

2000 CHEVROLET CAVALIER Z34 2 DOOR COUPE AUTOMATIC RUNS AND DRIVES GREAT, NO PROBLEMS, CRUISE CONTROL, ALLOY WHEELS, SPOILER, POWER WINDOWS, POWER SUNROOF/MOONROOF, GREAT GAS MILEAGE, —–VERY CLEAN IN AND OUT, NEW BATTERY, OIL CHANGE, —–NO LEAKS—– MUST SEE MUST DRIVE.

My mom and dad are selling this car because they are going to live six months up north and six months down here and this was their extra car. (Yeah, I listed it as a Z24 originally, but I’m getting more inquiries by calling it a Z34, probably because they don’t exist.) Do your homework, come see the car, and we’ll both agree that I’m asking at least $1,200 too much, but I won’t budge. All it needs is some electrical work, tires, brakes, and someone to hold the driver’s door shut while the car is in motion. Huh? Oh, you were calling about the SUNBIRD I’m selling? Cool. See, the thing is my parents are gonna start living six months up north and — no, wait, I used that one already…. Doh! Now look what you made me do!! I have to re-list this stupid p.o.s. Cavalier under someone else’s name and number now! (As a Z24, of course.)

For the past several years, our friends, Bob and Linda, have invited us to stay at their cottage in Port Franks. Usually, we can gather up three or four of Melissa’s other co-workers (Bob being one) to join us for a long weekend or so. This year, for whatever reason, it wasn’t going to happen. As Summer drew to a close, Bob insisted that Melissa and I should take advantage of one of our remaining good weather weekends at his cottage even though he couldn’t join us. Sometimes co-workers and acquaintances extend such offers facetiously; however, we knew Bob was sincere and we took him up on it.

Even though we hadn’t confessed it to each other, Melissa and I both felt a need to get away somewhere and reconnect. We spent two days just staring at each other, taking goofy & romantic pictures, walking, biking and smiling a lot. I loved every minute.

The Web Marketing Association handed out its 2009 WebAwards yesterday. I won for my work on the Covenant House Michigan website. It is *possibly* my first award since there’s no telling if my other work has been recognized unbeknownst to me.

Non-profit Standard of Excellence for Outstanding Web Development is a long award title which means we weren’t “best of show” or “best in category.” Still, it’s cool because we scored WELL above average and only missed an “Outstanding Website Award” by 1 point!

The back-end of covenanthousemi.org is all open source and I get to write some custom Drupal code. While I’m the sole developer, Melissa provides all the content with her partner-in-saving-kids’-lives, Maggie. Without the articles, photos, events, and social marketing updates, the site would be less than average, in my opinion.

Campo de Dymond I was a follow-up to the highly successful Dia de Campo adult sleepover just two weeks prior. Jerry & Robyn’s vision was taken to next level thanks to a variety of factors, including the extra long holiday weekend, lazer tag, camp meat experimentation, and of course, Missy’s pants

The photo album is best viewed with the full Cooliris plugin. Alternatively, I recommend clicking through the online slideshow at PicasaWeb.

And now, whiners, see them on Facebook, too.

CAKE THIEF ALERT: My sister-in-law made me and Melissa an amazing tiramisu cake with crazy, edible versions of us as cake toppers. Today, at Covenant House of all places, somebody MUTILATED this work of art… but didn’t stop there. I need help. I swear this happened. Watch the video, please:

Megan & Jerald spent the weekend with my Mom & Dad, so Melissa & I went biking today. After 25 miles, including a pit stop at Panera Bread and a jaunt up Lake Shore Drive, I can say without a doubt that her butt-sculpting exercises paid off BIG time

Oh yeah, we completed the following route at a VERY casual pace in approximately 3-1/2 hours:

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